The Night of the Disturbed Gamer

In a dimly lit room is where we find our hero. Online, he goes by many names, some mythical and some mythically absurd, but IRL he’s known as Aqiul, legendary nerd. He’s at his computer(as usual) playing some new-fangled game(RIFT), killing what he sees without a thought of compassion or pity. Suddenly, a loud crash! The noise seems to have originated from outside his zone of concentration(the monitor). The noise seems to have not affected our hero, the killing and slashing continues. Another crash! This time our hero turns his head and gives that deep stare. One might think our hero is telepathic and is trying to read the minds of whoever it is that is causing this ruckus, interrupting important online butchery of pixels. But it isnt so.

After a few mins of staring at nothingness, our hero gets up and goes to the window, where he sees a few people running, no not running, you wouldnt call this running he thinks. Its more like they’re failing at running. Our hero chuckles. Then he notices that one of the oddly limping persons is eating someone’s brain with his pinky finger! He wants to laugh at this ridiculousness when our hero’s survival instinct kicks in. He knows what this is! He’s planned for this ever since he saw Night of the Living Dead all those years ago. The Zombie Apocalypse! He thinks to himself “Game on, bitches!”

He quickly runs to the kitchen, enters the secret code on the microwave “1337”. The marble flooring starts to move with a shudder, then the movement becomes fluid and a hidden staircase is revealed. Our hero quickly descends down the stairs to a room that has even more computers than before! One might call it insanity, our hero refers to it as “cool shit!”. Our hero puts on a pair of fancy headphones, starts up ventrilo and logs on to the “Emergency Zombie Broadcast Zerver” hereon referred to as EZBZ(When asked why not Server, our hero said “Because Z is cool!”) The server quickly seems to be filling up with people from around the globe reporting incidents of Zombie Insubordination Acts(ZIA, because it sounds like CIA..sigh). Our hero, being a hero and all, calls for silence and proceeds to give his speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the time of reckoning. We have prepared for this for years, we’ve trained for this in L4D and in L4D2(with better graphics wooo!). We all even played the secret zombie levels in BlackOps till we got bored of Kennedy, but we are prepared.” Our hero pauses for a breath, and downs a glass of Mountain Dew mixed with Red Bull. He continues “Prepare for Emergency Plan Delta Gamma Beta! Happy Hunting!”

With those last words, a total of 17 million gamers worldwide step out of their mother’s basements armed with shotguns and enough shells to put a beach to shame. The Zombie Apocalypse ended in 4 minutes.

Our hero then returns to his computer, and continues playing his new-fangled game. As if nothing happened.


On shaky grounds we live…

In light of the recent earthquake, or tremors late last night it has come to my attention that there needs to be a list of handy tips that we all need to know to survive an earthquake. This was prompted by my flatmate’s “Dude lets get the fuck out!” type reaction to a slight tremor last night. Here I have compiled a short list of tips that will not only ensure that you live to see the next earthquake but also live long enough to read my blog.

Quick safety tips in the event of an earthquake:

  • The beginning of an earthquake is like the start of a bad hangover. You can never be sure if its really happening or if its just the vodka talking. So to be sure you’ve got your bases covered, the moment the world starts swaying, start swaying with the world. Bust a move!
  • If you’re inside your house when this catastrophic disaster occurs, the best thing to do is hide under something heavy. Ideal places include sharing the underside of your bed with the boogeyman, inside your fridge where all the drinks are, inside your bathtub(make sure to have a bubble bath while at it) and if you have a fat person in the house then hiding under them is also valid. Do not hide inside a closet, because once the earthquake is over and you survive, you might have to deal with the “he finally came out of the closet” jokes.
  • It would most likely happen that the building you are inside will fall much in the same manner my building made of lego bricks fell. It is good to be prepared to get yourself out of your debris. Carry stacks of bricks and concrete to your gym and workout on picking them up and throwing them far away. Also learn how to dig from your dog.
  • If you’re like me and have books on a wall shelf, during an earthquake save the books! Books are a legacy we pass on to our children, you arent.
  • It is common knowledge that roads crack in a very cool zigzag pattern(ref. hollywood movies) during an earthquake. Plan accordingly before drawing your Hopscotch game on the ground.
  • In the unlikely event you get trapped under a fallen building, tree, your collection of dolls or a very large man, keep your ipod handy. Nothing like listening to the beats of Y.M.C.A while the world collapses around you.
  • Live on the seas like a pirate! Of course earthquakes occur there as well, but since you’re already swaying what difference does it make? Check the first safety tip on how to deal with swaying.
  • Incase you feel death is unavoidable, scream “Oh fuck I’m gonna die and I didn’t even have my last blueberry cheesecake!!” at the top of your lungs from your balcony(hope you have one). A passing superhero might take pity on you and save you.
  • Case in point, if you do have a balcony, scream and dont get saved by any men in latex tights then look around at the world outside. If you see buildings collapsing, start pointing at them and going “I command you to fall!”. Keep repeating till you run of out of buildings, including yours.

I hope these safety tips will help us all survive till 2012(when the world ends anyway. Go Mayans!)


What’s in a name?

So since last night when I finally made my first post here, dozens(read: none) have asked me why I picked the name “Imaginative Failure”. I could write an epic about why I picked that name and it would definitely be less boring than all three Lord of the Rings books and Justin Beiber’s autobiography combined. Like seriously! But no, I would not want to waste so much time writing an epic so I will tell you why I picked that name. In the next paragraph.

Honestly, I dunno. It just came to me. Just hit me, like that glass door once in office. I was all like walking going about my own thing and suddenly, bam! Glass door vs Me.

Glass door 1 – Me 0

So yea, in the same fashion the name hit me. And I thought it sounded quite nice and it stuck with me so I quickly ran to WordPress and registered it! My friend tells me I have more empty blogs with names I like than blogs filled with actual content and quality poasts. Well this is what I have to say to my friend – ppppphhhhbbbbbbtttttttt!

And yea, as the name says the way I fail is like extraordinary. I mean it takes a lot of thinking and hard work to fail like me! Normal people cant do it. Ask any of my friends, they’d be more than happy to tell you how cool(read: lame) I am.

This quality poast brought to you by…umm…well me. Stay tuned for the next post!

As always I leave you with something to read. Signing off!

I can haz one of these! Also, xkcd rocks!

So it begins…

Yea I think it does. Well more or less. OK fine fine, it begins. Many a days were squandered trying to figure out what I would blog about. Many friends were consulted, no answers were satisfactory. I hope these friends are reading! Yes you! You didnt help me, well you did but you should have tried harder, like way way way harder…I mean cmon I am sucha cool friend! Ok I feel much better now that I have blamed someone.

Ok so yea, now that we’re done with that. So honestly I still dont know what I will be writing about. I’m gonna wing it. See what grabs my attention on a day to day basis and maybe use some of my nonsensical humor to write about it.

Oh and please dont sit on the edge of your seat waiting for my “quality poasts”. When I’m done being lazy(hahaha yea right) I might come up with something. Unless you have some sorta genius idea on which I could write. Be wary though, I might call you a half-brained twit or nincompoop incase I dont like your idea. But sure, keep the ideas coming!

Ok then, time to close this post. As a farewell, I leave you with something to read.

Bleeding Heart